Kansaki Sou - No Pets Allowed [KenEd]

[scriveyner]

Title: No Pets Allowed
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist, Rurouni Kenshin
AU: Musebox
Characters/Pairing: Kenshin/Ed
Rating: T
Length: 1921
Summary:

In Kenshin's mind, the 'Sou had been split up very decisively for years. The den was Nick and Takeo's lair. Edward had his lab. Sariel had the roof (when he didn't have to share it with a hungry dragon). The Winchesters had the garage, of course. And the kitchen, that was Kenshin's domain.

He was perfectly happy with that arrangement. There had been a brief stint, years ago, when there was a communal dinner time and that had ended poorly, so now Kenshin just cooked to relax himself. He cooked for himself, and for Edward - Edward would eat a sandwich he found under two books if it did not look like it could walk away under its own power - so it had become a bit of a hobby for him. He did not even mind when Roy encroached upon his domain, because Roy was respectful of the fact that the kitchen was Kenshin's, and they had many a long discussion about the respective Elrics in their lives as they tended to their own dietary concerns.

All this led to the fact that Kenshin was understandably distraught when one morning he came downstairs to discover a rather large polar- no, wait wolf- no, wait - what the hell WAS that?

Kenshin stood in the doorway of the kitchen, the dirty mug he had used for tea last night in his hand, and gaped at the creature. It had to be the same size as Toothless - maybe a little larger, more meat on its bones but without the wingspan that knocked doors off their hinges. It had to have been a tight squeeze getting into the kitchen, given the shoulders on the creature - but none of that seemed to matter because there was a large, white, fuzzy THING lying on the floor in Kenshin's kitchen.

Chewing on one of the kitchen chairs.

Edward. It had to be Edward's. One of those chimera he kept talking about, it was the only logical conclusion. Kenshin did an abrupt heel-turn and was about to storm up the stairs to where he had left his other half sleeping in a puddle of blankets and demand an explanation for this insanity when he nearly bumped right into one of the OTHER Edwards who made their home in the Kansaki Sou.

This was the newest Edward - the werewolf. Kenshin had not had much time to get to know the newer incarnations of his friends; but with an aside to their origins how different could they be, really?

This Edward was a handspan taller than Kenshin. He had never had to experience the joy of automail, but like Kennichi he had a tendency to forget to wear pants, as he often shifted to and from his lupine form.

Fortunately for everyone involved at the moment, Edward was wearing pants. Not much else - his long blond hair was tangled, and he looked in need of a shave. Edward scratched his fingers through the hair at the crown of his head, tangling it further, and yawned. "I smell halibut," he said.

Non-sequiturs were not uncommon where Edwards were concerned. Kenshin blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Halibut. Something smells like - holy fuck what the hell is that." Edward peered over Kenshin's shoulder, and the giant white polar-bear-dog-thing lifted its head and let out a grunt.

"I was hoping that perhaps you had some idea," Kenshin said dryly. Edward shook his head, nudging Kenshin's shoulder so he would step aside and let him into the kitchen.

The transformation was so smooth if you blinked you missed it. Edward was first standing, and then within seconds a large, tawny wolf stood in his place, his pajama pants puddled around his paws. The giant dog cocked its head in confusion as Edward-the-wolf slowly approached it.

Kenshin watched quietly as the two tentatively sniffed each other, and then touched noses. After a brief moment the giant white fluffy creature thumped its tail into the floor and resumed chewing on the chair's leg, and Edward-the-wolf turned around and became Edward-the-naked-human again. Kenshin raised his eyebrow as Edward retrieved his pants and pulled them on.

"Well?"

"Well what?" Edward tugged his pants over his hips and padded around the beast, heading for the fridge.

"What the hell is it? Why is it here? What did you learn?"

Edward gave Kenshin a puzzled look. "I can't talk to animals."

"YOU'RE A WOLF!"

"Well, yeah." Kenshin watched as Edward retrieved the orange juice carton and proceeded to drain it without the courtesy of a cup. "Animals don't talk the way people do, Sherlock." Edward tossed the orange juice container in the waste bin and tossed a wave over his shoulder as he let himself out through the side door.

Kenshin heaved a great sigh, and the polar-bear-dog lifted its head and looked at him inquisitively, the leg of the chair hanging from its jaws.

"I don't get paid enough for this," Kenshin muttered, and left the kitchen.

#

Edward Elric was having a nice dream about a sandwich as big as he was. He was working his way through a piece of cheese he could wear as a cape when he was rudely interrupted by Kenshin yanking the sheets off of him again. Edward groaned and refused to open his eyes, rolling over on his side and covering his face with his arm.

"Go AWAY, there is no reason on this earth you need me awake before the clock reads double digits."

"Were you chewing on the sheets in your sleep again?" Kenshin said, dragging the rest of the sheet off the bed and balling it. "Man. I'll have to do the wash, are your clothes in the hamper?"

"Bugger off, I'm asleep."

Kenshin rolled his eyes and walked around to Edward's side of the bed, yanking the pillow out from under his head. Edward made a noise of protest and opened his eyes finally, glaring sleepily up at Kenshin. "Gimme back my pillow."

"No." Kenshin stripped the pillowcase and tossing the naked pillow onto the desk behind him. "I'm doing the laundry today too, Ed. Off the bed, I need the fitted sheet."

Edward crossed his arms over his chest and gave Kenshin his most level glare. "No."

Kenshin balled the pillowcase and tossed it in the vicinity of the hamper. "No?"

"No."

"I can make you move, you know."

Edward tilted his chin back, which exposed more of his throat to Kenshin. "I would like to see you try."

Kenshin put his hands on his hips and stared down at Edward. He was in his sleep clothes, a sleeveless shirt that was perhaps a little too tight now and a pair of sky blue boxer shorts, and Kenshin cataloged all the ways he could make Edward move in his mind. He settled, after much hesitation, on the least messiest. "Your chimera is chewing on a chair in the kitchen."

The sleepy, somewhat playful expression that Edward had was chased away by a confused one. "My what?"

"Your chimera. I don't even know where you got it, but it's eating the furniture."

Edward sat up on his elbows. "I don't have a chimera."

"Sure you do, isn't that what you're always studying about? It's a great big thing, about the size of a large polar bear but it looks more like a dog - kinda impressive piece of work, now that I think on it. Where did you get a polar bear? You haven't been allowed in the zoo since that incident with the penguins-"

"That wasn't me, that was Sariel," Edward said, indignant.

"You're all the same to the people who work there," Kenshin countered. "You know you shouldn't steal polar bears, right?"

"I didn't steal a polar bear!"

"Then how did you make your chimera?"

"I haven't MADE a chimera!" Edward shouted. Kenshin cocked his head and sighed, Edward was now sitting cross-legged on the bed, a scowl on his face. "I haven't, what are you TALKING about?"

"Fine," Kenshin said. "If you haven't made any chimera, what is sitting in my kitchen right now?"

#

"Okay," Edward said, his arms crossed. "I'm sure that there's a logical explanation for this that is not my fault in any way, shape or form."

Kenshin had been half afraid that when they came down the steps the beast would be gone, and he would be left trying to explain a chimeric hallucination. Fortunately for them both - or maybe unfortunately, he had not had time to really decide, yet - the great white polar bear dog thing was still in the kitchen, lying on its stomach and contentedly at work gnawing on the base of the chair, having already successfully devoured its legs.

"So you haven't been making chimera."

"Not unless I learned to sleep-transmute," Edward said. The creature lifted its head and looked at Edward curiously, sniffing the air.

"Sleep-transmute? Is that actually a thing?" It was worrisome enough sleeping next to someone who flailed in their sleep and had an arm made of metal, Kenshin did not know if he could take the surprise of sudden transmutation while asleep and vulnerable.

"No," Edward said patiently. "That was sarcasm."

"So what the hell IS this thing?"

"Fuck all if I know," Edward scratched his nose. "I wonder if we can eat it?"

The dog thing lifted its head suddenly and pinned Edward with a look that told Kenshin it knew those words all too well. "Uh, Ed?" Kenshin said, as the creature growled.

"What? It was just a suggestion. What else should we do with it?"

"Getting it out of the house comes to mind."

"I have an idea," Edward said. Kenshin looked at him, and Edward nodded to it. "You go tell it to leave, and I'll watch."

"Oh, ha ha," Kenshin muttered.

"Well, what do you expect ME to do?" Edward responded.

"I dunno, transmute it a collar and lead?"

"And then what? That thing has to way a couple thousand pounds, easy. There's no way I'm dragging that outside. You know how difficult it is to get Hermes to go outside to piss in the rain and he weighs like twenty pounds."

"I have never seen you take Hermes outside to piss in the rain, you just put him in the bathtub."

"Isn't that clever? He does his business in the tub and then no one has to deal with wet dog smell unless Kennichi drags his soggy ass all over the downstairs again." Edward waved his hand in front of his face. "The point is, we're not moving that thing unless it wants to be moved."

"Okay, fine," Kenshin said. "I'm going to go start on the laundry, can you at least make sure it doesn't eat the other chairs?"

"Sure," Edward said. "I'm hungry, I'm gonna make some eggs, do you want any?"

"I'll make you breakfast after I've started the laundry, don't you dare try to cook eggs again. You set the last skillet on fire."

"I am not THAT bad," Edward called after Kenshin as he headed back up the stairs.

Kennichi paused on the landing so Kenshin could get by. "Mornin', niisan," the werewolf called cheerfully. He sniffed the air. "Does something smell like fish to you?"

"It's the polar bear," Kenshin muttered as he passed.

Kennichi cocked his head in confusion, and Kenshin smiled to himself when he heard Kennichi enter the kitchen and exclaim, "What the hell is that?"