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scriveynerTitle: A Beautiful Lie
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist, Rurouni Kenshin
AU: Musebox/Kansaki Sou
Characters/Pairing: Kenshin/Ed
Rating: NSFW
Length: 5256
Summary: Edward has been keeping a secret from Kenshin. Will Kenshin be able to find out what it is?
He was sitting on the couch when Edward returned, slinking into his lab in the middle of the night; presumably to catch a few hours' restless sleep. It was an emerging pattern, and Kenshin was beginning to get used to waking up alone again. There were not words for how much he hated waking up to an empty bed, especially knowing the man that he shared his bed with, and he was sick of … this. Whatever this was, whatever it had become he was going to put a stop to it now.
Edward would go out and come back with inexplicable bruises, he would sneak around Kenshin like Kenshin couldn't tell that he was injured, like Kenshin wouldn't notice the wear on his face and the fatigue in his eyes. This had been going on for weeks now, months almost, and he was done with it. Either Edward was going to come clean, or....
… or Kenshin really didn't know how to finish that thought.
It was something that had kept him up the past few nights, even the nights that Edward came to bed with him. Edward, who fit so neatly into his life and into his heart, golden hair warm like the sun, amber eyes feral and with a hint of the wolf to them; lethal in a way not unlike the shift of Kennichi's eyes before he changed. Could he deny himself this, really? Edward half-naked in their bed, moonlight spilling over his shoulder, breath calm and even as he slept secure next to his lover. Just the thought of it made Kenshin's breath still and his heart seize.
The laboratory was dark. It was always dark, the only windows to the outside were tiny, set high in the wall where the earth met the concrete of the building's foundation. Kenshin did not mind the still and the dark, it helped him clear and focus his thoughts. Edward's lab was small but well-loved, there was a long desk against the far wall where he kept his notes and current projects, and the other walls were lined with books and shelves that extended to the ceiling high above their heads. Kenshin had, with Kennichi's help, surreptitiously installed a ladder for Edward to use to reach those highest shelves. Nothing was ever said one way or another about it, but Kenshin had found Edward using it from time to time, no question about its sudden existence ever passing between them.
It was long past midnight by the time Edward finally returned, flipping the overhead light switch and sliding the door shut behind himself with an exaggerated sigh. Kenshin winced at the sudden influx of harsh fluorescent lighting, but Edward had his eyes closed as he leaned back against the door. He looked – pale. His clothes were dirty, not the usual black-and-leather combination, but a pale blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans, blond hair tied back securely in a heavy plait. There was a bruise darkening on his forehead, and what looked like a tear through the material of his shirt over his left shoulder, with blood stains already turning brown in the fabric.
“Looks like you have had an eventful evening,” Kenshin murmured, crossing his legs at the knee.
Edward jerked as if physically struck; throwing himself back against the door like he would be able to jump through the solid wood. He stared at Kenshin, clearly unable to comprehend his presence here in the sanctity of Edward's own laboratory. “What-” Eyes wide with surprise, irises flaring, Edward was shot through with adrenaline. Kenshin had to make a noticeable effort not to wet his dry lips at the way Edward's chest heaved.
There was this fine line of tension running through the room between them, and as attractive as Edward was disheveled and surprised, Kenshin could not ignore the bruise on his face or the gash on his arm. “Edward,” Kenshin said. “We need to talk.”
It was hard to catalog the expression on Edward's face. Edward was so expressive, he ran full of emotion and it was never difficult to read what was found there. Today, though, Edward clamped down a mask that Kenshin had never before seen.
“I told you,” Edward said, each word measured and precise. “I can't tell you what I'm doing, Himura, I just can't-”
Kenshin looked down at his hands. Edward was so earnest, so steadfast in his words and actions and god, he loved him just that way. “You keep saying that,” Kenshin sat back and stared at Edward without blinking. “You don't come to bed, Edward, you come home bruised and bloody and what am I supposed to think?”
“And don't say it's not any of my business,” Kenshin added when Edward opened his mouth to retort.
Edward snorted instead, and found the floor far more interesting. Kenshin had always hated the cold concrete floor in the laboratory, it was dirty and deeply impersonal. He stood up and that drew Edward's attention, gold eyes glittering in the light.
They were about the same height now, and it was a little disconcerting still. Kenshin was used to having those scant few inches, he held them above Edward like a prize, but that advantage had disappeared practically overnight. Edward was still breathing hard, through his nose; nostrils flaring and that did not do anything to help Kenshin's perception of a trapped, wounded animal.
“It's not,” Edward's voice was rough. “It's not your business, Kenshin, please-” Edward's voice, pleading – he so rarely said please as it was - “I promise I'll tell you when I can, but I just can't, not yet....”
Edward's eyes closed and Kenshin sighed. “Don't you trust me?” Kenshin murmured. This close he could smell the night on Edward's clothes and in his hair. The scent of fresh loam and the woods – he had been outside, whatever he was doing. It was everything Kenshin could do to keep from kissing him.
“I do,” Edward's voice was soft, almost miserable. “I do, I just, I can't-"
It physically hurt him to see Edward like this, shrinking from his gaze like Kenshin would injure him somehow. Edward, who could break Kenshin's arm in three places and toss him like a rag doll, afraid of Kenshin like he would strike him. Kenshin lifted his hand, hesitated – Edward flinched away from the touch but had nowhere to go, trapped against the door – and Kenshin breathed a soft, sad noise. “Ed, love – what are you afraid of?”
He couldn't be afraid of Kenshin … could he?
His fingers were light on Edward's chin, the skin rough with just a hint of stubble. Edward shaved every morning, insisted upon it, as if that would bring the hair in darker. Maybe it was working somewhat, there was a bit of shadow to his jaw now, the shape of his face spoke far more of man than boy. After a long moment, his gold eyes on Kenshin's violet ones, he turned his face into Kenshin's hand and sighed. “I'm not afraid,” he lied.
“You trust me, though,” Kenshin murmured, the sadness making a permanent home in his gut. Whatever this was that Edward was facing (and he was becoming more and more inclined to simply follow Edward and discover the source of all this) he did not want him to face it alone any longer. “Right?”
“Yeah,” Edward's eyes slid closed. Kenshin's fingers stroked so gently, and leaned in mere inches from Edward's face.
“You love me.” This was not a question. Kenshin breathed the words to Edward, and Edward opened his eyes slowly.
“Yeah.”
“You would do whatever I asked of you without question.”
Edward stared at him warily. Kenshin was aware of how the question sounded, he just did not care. He wanted to know for certain, one hundred percent without question that Edward was still with him. He watched silently as Edward processed the thought – and then, finally, nod his head once. “Yes."
Kenshin held all the power, right now in this instant. He swallowed and fought hard against the instinct to command Edward to tell him everything. Where was he going, why did he come home so bruised and beaten and why, why wouldn't he trust Kenshin enough to confide in him? Edward did not do things needlessly. Instead, Kenshin steadied himself. “I want proof that you're mine, Ed. Will you do what I ask?”
There was a question in there, somewhere, that Kenshin did not know how to ask and yet Edward could still answer. Fear, whatever it was that was causing this reaction in Edward was pushed aside by his ever-present curiosity. He tilted his head – more comfortable with looking up at Kenshin instead of level – and licked his lips before answering. “Yes,” he said finally. Kenshin touched his hair, touched his face, and then tilted his head to the proper angle so that Kenshin could kiss him.
Lip and tongue and teeth and tasting so much of Edward. Kenshin breathed it in, how could he ever think that he would be able to give this up? It did not matter what Edward got into, all that mattered was that he belonged, body and soul, to Kenshin. Edward's automail hand gripped the back of his neck, tangled in his ponytail and Kenshin wrenched his head one way as Edward's scrabbling fingers found the tie that kept his ponytail tied back. With one swift motion, Edward freed Kenshin's hair.
Kenshin flattened his palm on the door beside Edward's head as his hair fell loose to his lower back. He broke away from Edward's mouth, greedy for his own, and smiled despite himself. “If you trust me,” he said, his voice soft as his nose brushed Edward's. “I want you on that couch.”
Edward's expression flickered through from concerned to confused, but Kenshin did not remain in his personal space, reluctantly stepping away. It was several large steps and Edward heaved a sigh, throwing himself down on the same couch Kenshin had spent half the night on. “So, what,” his tone returning to that of the Edward he knew so well, brash and confident and just the slightest bit reckless. “What are you going to do?”
He lounged like a cat, sprawling open and vulnerable, arms hooked over the low back of the sofa and legs spread like there magnets in each knee. It was remarkable, this chimera of animal traits that was Edward Elric. “It's not what I am going to do,” Kenshin said thoughtfully, his eyes on Edward's body. “It is what you are going to do.”
Edward's eyes tracked him across the room, neck craning as Kenshin walked behind the couch entirely. “Uh-uh,” Kenshin said. “Eyes forward."
There was a moment's hesitation in Edward, but then he shifted on the couch and looked obediently toward the closed door. “You are so weird, Himura.”
Kenshin circled behind Edward, moving to stand behind the couch. It was an old, beaten-up thing – lumpy and strangely comfortable despite that. There had been many a lazy day that Kenshin would lay sprawled out on it, napping or reading a book while Edward worked diligently on his research at the desk behind them. Edward held still, the only movement was the rise and fall of his chest. “So, Edward,” Kenshin said. “Tell me, what would you like me to do to you?”
Without fail, the flush always started at his ears. For as vulgar as Edward could be, he always hesitated when called out to use it. Edward sputtered and Kenshin leaned over the back of the couch. “Tell me,” he murmured. “How you want me to touch you.”
Edward licked his lips and Kenshin could see the rise and fall of his throat as he swallowed. “Or,” Kenshin said, before Edward could work up the courage to describe the way he wanted Kenshin's hands on his body. “You could show me.”
The silence that stretched between those words seemed almost like a lifetime. Edward's hands gripped the seat cushions and for a long, terrifying moment Kenshin was afraid that Edward would not do it, that somehow he had scared him into inaction. Kenshin leaned forward again, hands gripping the hard back of the couch and his breath hot on the side of Edward's neck. “Ed. Touch yourself.”
Edward's flesh hand hesitated, and then strayed toward his groin, the crotch of his jeans not tight enough to give anything away just yet. He pressed his hand down over the slight bulge in his pants, and Kenshin grinned as Edward exhaled slowly.
It was a bit intoxicating, watching as Edward rubbed his hand slowly over himself, cupping through the tough denim. Even now, outside of his clothes he did not use his automail hand, it was tucked safely away, holding tight to the couch cushion. Kenshin leaned forward just a little, and barely breathed the words into Edward's ear. “Just the outside, nothing more? I'm disappointed.”
Edward tilted his head back, eyes closed and face relaxed. “It's called foreplay, you fucking idiot,” he groaned as he slipped his hand down the front of his jeans. One gold eye snapped open, staring sharply at Kenshin. “Unless you want to get on your knees for me, you're not dictating this.”
Kenshin drew his hand through Edward's hair, before settling it on his jaw, keeping Edward's head turned to look at him. “Ed,” he said huskily. “You only need ask.” He leaned forward and kissed him, just as Edward tensed slightly. Kenshin ignored that, concentrating on kissing him, one hand tight on his chin and the other braced on the back of the couch. His taste and scent was so overwhelming that Kenshin almost lost himself in it – when they parted, they both were panting, and Kenshin felt the flush on Edward's face mirrored his own.
Somehow, as distracting as Kenshin was being, Edward had managed to extricate himself from his pants and boxers. His naked cock lay in his left hand, fluid leaking from the tip. Kenshin stared down at it hungrily, licking his already-bruised lips, before glancing to Edward's face to see that Edward was watching him closely.
The bruise on his face had darkened further. It was on his right temple, near the hairline. Kenshin gently touched Edward's face again, and leaned in close as Edward's eyes slid closed, anticipating the kiss. Instead, Kenshin breathed against Edward's mouth - “Who gave you permission to stop?”
#
Edward panted, his eyes fixed not in front of him, but on the ceiling above. He could sense Kenshin at his back, watching, as he stroked his hand up and down his shaft, but he could not look back at him. He was afraid, almost every time that he looked at Kenshin, that he would give it all away.
He pinched the head of his penis between his thumb and forefinger, and hissed out a breath between his teeth. Warmth was building at the base of his spine, he could feel the electricity in his own touch, and the heavy cool weight of his automail hand resting on his belly did little to stifle the sensation. He would do anything Kenshin asked of him, anything in a heartbeat. But he could not tell him, he could not explain the fear that bit at the back of his throat that Kenshin would find out, that he would have to explain-
It was never supposed to get this complicated, but these sort of things rarely went smoothly. He had been approached by people who knew – they knew about Kenshin. They knew who he was, and how he wasn't supposed to be here, and how technically clones were the property of the government and they were one phone call away from bringing everything he had to a crashing, burning end.
Edward choked, closed his eyes and tilted his head away as he dug his automail fingers into his stomach. He would fight them at every turn, no matter what. He could not bring Kenshin into this, Kenshin would try to stop him, Kenshin would call on that group of bastards who were trying to get him to run assassinations again. Edward would never forgive himself if he let Kenshin get involved with those who wanted to use him as a tool to further their machinations. He could handle this, he would handle this, and until then ….
… until then, he would just have to let Kenshin think the worst of him.
Kenshin's fingers on his face made him open his eyes again. He looked over, and the look that Kenshin gave him made his resolve coil tighter in his gut. It was lust and love and everything he never thought he would have, that he would be allowed to have and damn it, he would protect Kenshin with his life if he had to. He had pulled him out of the darkness, had showed him that this world was real, this world was worth it too, and when Kenshin ran his fingers along Edward's jaw, his thumb resting on his lips Edward's entire body ached with want.
“Kenshin,” Edward said, and Kenshin moved, straightening. His hair was loose, Edward himself had freed it, it fell over his shoulders in scarlet waves as he leaned forward, hands braced on the back of the couch on either side of Edward's head. The look on his face was so intense, the flush dark across his nose as he watched Edward, and it made Edward feel warm, wanted and possessed by those violet eyes.
Kenshin loved him.
Edward licked his lips and left his mouth open, just a little. A bit of temptation, his breath coming in small pants. He had stopped being aware of his hand, it continued to move without conscious command as he stared up at Kenshin. It was strange, how disconnected he could get, he almost did not recognize it as his own voice when he heard the word whispered like a prayer.
Please.
Please, just – let me, let me have this. Let me protect you, let me have you, let me hold you and worship you because I don't know how long I'll be here to do this, I can't know, I don't know. Please don't let me go, I don't want to do this without you, I can't do this without you, please....
And yet somehow he swallows them all, he keeps the words from burbling to the surface like so much flotsam, all save that one word, a single syllable's vibrant story.
Kenshin's mouth on his is hot, supple and demanding, tongue and lips and teeth; even in this strange configuration, upside-down and backwards. Edward groaned against him, his entire body strung tight with want and need. He cannot forget to be gentle with his right hand, reaching up to Kenshin's head and holding him there close. Their mouths sharing the same breath even as his left hand tightens around the base of his cock. He couldn't hold back his orgasm if he wanted to, the waves rolling through him as his hips jerk once. He held on to Kenshin like he was drowning, and maybe he was, because he was left gasping and shaken once the orgasm receded leaving him spent, stripes of come cooling on his naked belly.
Edward licked his lips slowly. All of the tension had run out of him like water, he sank back into the couch, relaxed. Everything, all the stress and concern, they all seemed so far away in this moment that he could not be bothered to dwell on them. Kenshin lifted his head slightly, his eyes checking Edward's, and Edward smiled for him.
“Now,” Kenshin said softly. “That's not really fair, don't you think?”
#
It did not take much encouragement to raise Edward to his knees, elbows braced on the back of the couch. His jeans had fallen down around his thighs, entangling his legs and exposing just a hint of the scarring on his left leg. Kenshin's attention was not on Edward's legs, as fine as they were – he cupped the back of Edward's head, fingers tangling in his dirty blond hair as Edward swallowed him down.
Edward's eyes were closed, which was quite a shame. He looked so gracefully debauched, the flush dark across his nose and bands sticking to his forehead with sweat. His mouth was completely full, his cheeks all hollowed out. Edward moved had his hands on Kenshin's thighs, bracing him there, the fingers of his automail hand bunched in the denim of Kenshin's favorite pair of off-white jeans. He was concentrated the most on the task at hand, deep-throating Kenshin in long, slow movements, swallowing him down until he could take no more, and then withdrawing. It was sensuous and frustrating at the same time, because all Kenshin wanted to do at this time was hold Edward's head still and fuck his mouth.
But damn, Edward was good at this. He opened his eyes slowly, looking up at Kenshin, never pausing in his movement. Kenshin licked his own lips, torn between that desire to hold Edward down and fuck him screaming into the couch, and wanting to just continue this – Edward's mouth was so good, hot and warm, and his tongue, hell – the things he had learned to do with his tongue-
“Ed,” Kenshin said, sliding his hand around the back of Edward's skull. He had not taken his eyes from Kenshin, and Kenshin swallowed hard, the words burning in his throat. How could this brat have done this to him? “Ed, I need to-”
Edward opened his mouth and let Kenshin slide out. He moved his jaw around a moment, panting through his mouth like a dog. “Do it,” Edward rasped, and Kenshin pressed the head of his cock against Edward's lips. He opened his mouth obediently, his hands tight on Kenshin's legs. Kenshin tried his hardest to be careful, and Edward was mindful of his teeth, but it was so easy to get carried away. Edward did not give any indications of distress as Kenshin fucked into his mouth, over and over, but not going quite as deep as he probably could have. Edward clung to him, eyes closed, nostrils flaring with every quick breath, completely drowning in Kenshin's taste and scent.
And then, just like that, it was over. Kenshin curled over him, hands tight on Edward's head to hold him still as he came. Edward made a muffled noise, perhaps a groan, as Kenshin finally released him, sliding out of Edward's slack jaw. They were both breathing hard, Edward unsteadily wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, smearing some of Kenshin's seed that had leaked from his lips. Kenshin leaned forward, somehow maintaining his balance, and tilted Edward's head up to him. Their eyes met, heavy and hooded, and Edward put his right hand on Kenshin's wrist. “Don't keep secrets from me,” Kenshin said softly, his mouth almost touching Edward's.
Edward looked away.
Kenshin bit his bottom lip hard. He tilted his head in to Edward's, his forehead resting on Edward's temple. Edward released Kenshin's wrist and looped his arms over Kenshin's shoulders, the cool-warm dichotomy of his limbs strangely comforting. “Stop asking me,” Edward's voice was pleading. “Please, Kenshin, if I could tell you-”
“If you're in trouble-”
“No, no-” Edward's breathy exhale was a shaky laugh. “Just … why won't you trust me?”
Kenshin grew silent as the words sank in. That was the crux of the matter, wasn't it – trust. He could trust Edward with so many things, delicate things, physical things – his life, even – and he could ask Edward to trust him without batting an eyelash. But the same could not be said for him, could it? “Ed...”
“I love you,” Edward's voice was very clear. He moved his head, and that forced Kenshin to lift his, and he found himself looking straight into Edward's eyes.
“I-” Kenshin started to say, but Edward shook his head.
“No,” he said. “Let me finish.”
#
It was hard. It has always been hard, Edward was shit with emotions and how to understand them, never mind expressing them to the people he cared about. He looked Kenshin in the eye and felt the words sticking hard in his throat.
It was not that they weren't working out – hell, Edward could not live without Kenshin at this point, he knew – but if Kenshin couldn't trust him, if Kenshin couldn’t understand that no, Edward was not going to be able to share everything with him, that was in his very nature – maybe they did need some time apart. They had had a fight once before, an utterly horrible one, and Edward had actually left. Those three weeks had been arguably the worst time of his life so far – or at least how it felt at the time.
“I love you,” Edward said again, as if those words would magically fix everything. Maybe they could, if he repeated them enough. “I love you so much, I don't think even I understand it. The depth of it. Because if I wasn't so in love with you right now I would have probably broken your nose.”
Kenshin's expression was so serious, but a bit of a grin tried to sneak through. “Hasn't stopped you before.”
“Kenshin,” Edward said, and his name had power. Kenshin's eyes darted back to Edward's. “Trust in me, please. Please. I'm not a child, I'll know when I'm in over my head, but if I can take care of this without your involvement – I need to take care of this without your involvement.”
Edward wanted to sigh, Kenshin's expression still had not changed. He remembered, not long after he had been released from the hospital and Kenshin had to be shooed off to go grocery shopping since he would not let Edward out of his line of sight. As soon as he was gone, Kennichi and Yuukito had sat Edward down and explained in complete detail what had happened. There were blanks in his memory that Edward did not want to have filled, and if he could forget he gladly would in a heartbeat.
Yuukito – as much as he hated the man, Kennichi's white-haired clone was not prone to exaggeration. They were both convinced that Kenshin had killed the man who hurt Edward, and no one was sure how to approach it. Even if things had gone back to normal on the surface, there was a silent tension there, and Edward – Edward knew to be careful. He wondered if anyone else had even thought to notice this new responsibility of Edward's. He had to stay safe, he had to, because if he got hurt again and Kenshin killed anyone and he knew about it; Edward would never, never be able to live with himself after.
Kenshin stroked his fingers down the side of Edward's face. “I don't want to admit it,” he said quietly. “But I'm scared.”
“Scared?” Edward repeated.
“Terrified,” Kenshin said. “I don't want to lose you. I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, I've seen too many people I love get hurt.” His voice actually trembled, and Edward's heart hurt. “I can't bear it, anymore.”
“I'm not going anywhere, I promise,” Edward said, his voice solid and strong. “I'm not, I can take care of myself, I'm fine.”
Kenshin swallowed hard and wrapped his arms tight around Edward's shoulders. “Don't make promises you know you can't keep, Ed.”
#
They had done this before, sleeping on the couch together, but Kenshin really could not remember why they ever thought it was a good idea. There wasn't a lot of room, and Edward weighed a lot more than he looked – benefits of being composed half of metal, presumably. They shuffled together, a tangled pile of limbs and hair, and almost as quickly as Edward laid his head on Kenshin's shoulder he was out like a light. He must have been completely exhausted, and the sex didn't help matters. Kenshin smiled, amused, and freed the hair Edward had unintentionally trapped between them.
There was no doubting in Edward's loyalty. He felt foolish for even carrying the thought – they lived in a house with men who may as well have been Edward's former lover, and his eyes had not strayed once. If anything, it was Kenshin who had that particular problem, having lascivious thoughts of a blond pile including Edward and at least one of his shadows. No, he would have to do what Edward doubted in, and just trust him. After all, Edward had more than earned that trust a hundred times over.
Still, he could not sleep. This worry nagged at him, they had all but stopped running mission for Sector 0; Kenshin had laid down the law with those bastards and, since they still had Yuukito's full cooperation, they had left the 'Sou well enough alone. He did not want to go to them for help, or resources … mostly because he would not put it past Hubb to try to recruit Edward again. Edward did not like the military, did not like shadowbox organizations like Sector 0 but if he thought it would protect someone he would do It in a heartbeat....
Oh. The realization, like a ton of bricks.
Edward was protecting him.
Kenshin swallowed, licked his lips, and stared at the ceiling. The enormity of it all – whatever Edward was keeping from him, coming home bruised and battered and skittish – he was protecting Kenshin doing it. The tightness in his chest expanded somewhat, and he wrapped his arms tighter around the slumbering body that lay mostly atop him.
“I love you,” he murmured, pressing his lips to the crown of messy blond hair that lay on his shoulder. “I'm not used to being the one protected, you'll have to forgive me that, Ed.”
He could almost sense the smile on Edward's face as he shifted his body weight slightly, but he did not raise his head. “Dumbass,” Edward said sleepily. “Get used to it.” Edward yawned on the last word, and was asleep again in a heartbeat. Kenshin laid his head back against the armrest and closed his own eyes.
Maybe it wasn't the answer that he was looking for … but it would suffice all the same.
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist, Rurouni Kenshin
AU: Musebox/Kansaki Sou
Characters/Pairing: Kenshin/Ed
Rating: NSFW
Length: 5256
Summary: Edward has been keeping a secret from Kenshin. Will Kenshin be able to find out what it is?
He was sitting on the couch when Edward returned, slinking into his lab in the middle of the night; presumably to catch a few hours' restless sleep. It was an emerging pattern, and Kenshin was beginning to get used to waking up alone again. There were not words for how much he hated waking up to an empty bed, especially knowing the man that he shared his bed with, and he was sick of … this. Whatever this was, whatever it had become he was going to put a stop to it now.
Edward would go out and come back with inexplicable bruises, he would sneak around Kenshin like Kenshin couldn't tell that he was injured, like Kenshin wouldn't notice the wear on his face and the fatigue in his eyes. This had been going on for weeks now, months almost, and he was done with it. Either Edward was going to come clean, or....
… or Kenshin really didn't know how to finish that thought.
It was something that had kept him up the past few nights, even the nights that Edward came to bed with him. Edward, who fit so neatly into his life and into his heart, golden hair warm like the sun, amber eyes feral and with a hint of the wolf to them; lethal in a way not unlike the shift of Kennichi's eyes before he changed. Could he deny himself this, really? Edward half-naked in their bed, moonlight spilling over his shoulder, breath calm and even as he slept secure next to his lover. Just the thought of it made Kenshin's breath still and his heart seize.
The laboratory was dark. It was always dark, the only windows to the outside were tiny, set high in the wall where the earth met the concrete of the building's foundation. Kenshin did not mind the still and the dark, it helped him clear and focus his thoughts. Edward's lab was small but well-loved, there was a long desk against the far wall where he kept his notes and current projects, and the other walls were lined with books and shelves that extended to the ceiling high above their heads. Kenshin had, with Kennichi's help, surreptitiously installed a ladder for Edward to use to reach those highest shelves. Nothing was ever said one way or another about it, but Kenshin had found Edward using it from time to time, no question about its sudden existence ever passing between them.
It was long past midnight by the time Edward finally returned, flipping the overhead light switch and sliding the door shut behind himself with an exaggerated sigh. Kenshin winced at the sudden influx of harsh fluorescent lighting, but Edward had his eyes closed as he leaned back against the door. He looked – pale. His clothes were dirty, not the usual black-and-leather combination, but a pale blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans, blond hair tied back securely in a heavy plait. There was a bruise darkening on his forehead, and what looked like a tear through the material of his shirt over his left shoulder, with blood stains already turning brown in the fabric.
“Looks like you have had an eventful evening,” Kenshin murmured, crossing his legs at the knee.
Edward jerked as if physically struck; throwing himself back against the door like he would be able to jump through the solid wood. He stared at Kenshin, clearly unable to comprehend his presence here in the sanctity of Edward's own laboratory. “What-” Eyes wide with surprise, irises flaring, Edward was shot through with adrenaline. Kenshin had to make a noticeable effort not to wet his dry lips at the way Edward's chest heaved.
There was this fine line of tension running through the room between them, and as attractive as Edward was disheveled and surprised, Kenshin could not ignore the bruise on his face or the gash on his arm. “Edward,” Kenshin said. “We need to talk.”
It was hard to catalog the expression on Edward's face. Edward was so expressive, he ran full of emotion and it was never difficult to read what was found there. Today, though, Edward clamped down a mask that Kenshin had never before seen.
“I told you,” Edward said, each word measured and precise. “I can't tell you what I'm doing, Himura, I just can't-”
Kenshin looked down at his hands. Edward was so earnest, so steadfast in his words and actions and god, he loved him just that way. “You keep saying that,” Kenshin sat back and stared at Edward without blinking. “You don't come to bed, Edward, you come home bruised and bloody and what am I supposed to think?”
“And don't say it's not any of my business,” Kenshin added when Edward opened his mouth to retort.
Edward snorted instead, and found the floor far more interesting. Kenshin had always hated the cold concrete floor in the laboratory, it was dirty and deeply impersonal. He stood up and that drew Edward's attention, gold eyes glittering in the light.
They were about the same height now, and it was a little disconcerting still. Kenshin was used to having those scant few inches, he held them above Edward like a prize, but that advantage had disappeared practically overnight. Edward was still breathing hard, through his nose; nostrils flaring and that did not do anything to help Kenshin's perception of a trapped, wounded animal.
“It's not,” Edward's voice was rough. “It's not your business, Kenshin, please-” Edward's voice, pleading – he so rarely said please as it was - “I promise I'll tell you when I can, but I just can't, not yet....”
Edward's eyes closed and Kenshin sighed. “Don't you trust me?” Kenshin murmured. This close he could smell the night on Edward's clothes and in his hair. The scent of fresh loam and the woods – he had been outside, whatever he was doing. It was everything Kenshin could do to keep from kissing him.
“I do,” Edward's voice was soft, almost miserable. “I do, I just, I can't-"
It physically hurt him to see Edward like this, shrinking from his gaze like Kenshin would injure him somehow. Edward, who could break Kenshin's arm in three places and toss him like a rag doll, afraid of Kenshin like he would strike him. Kenshin lifted his hand, hesitated – Edward flinched away from the touch but had nowhere to go, trapped against the door – and Kenshin breathed a soft, sad noise. “Ed, love – what are you afraid of?”
He couldn't be afraid of Kenshin … could he?
His fingers were light on Edward's chin, the skin rough with just a hint of stubble. Edward shaved every morning, insisted upon it, as if that would bring the hair in darker. Maybe it was working somewhat, there was a bit of shadow to his jaw now, the shape of his face spoke far more of man than boy. After a long moment, his gold eyes on Kenshin's violet ones, he turned his face into Kenshin's hand and sighed. “I'm not afraid,” he lied.
“You trust me, though,” Kenshin murmured, the sadness making a permanent home in his gut. Whatever this was that Edward was facing (and he was becoming more and more inclined to simply follow Edward and discover the source of all this) he did not want him to face it alone any longer. “Right?”
“Yeah,” Edward's eyes slid closed. Kenshin's fingers stroked so gently, and leaned in mere inches from Edward's face.
“You love me.” This was not a question. Kenshin breathed the words to Edward, and Edward opened his eyes slowly.
“Yeah.”
“You would do whatever I asked of you without question.”
Edward stared at him warily. Kenshin was aware of how the question sounded, he just did not care. He wanted to know for certain, one hundred percent without question that Edward was still with him. He watched silently as Edward processed the thought – and then, finally, nod his head once. “Yes."
Kenshin held all the power, right now in this instant. He swallowed and fought hard against the instinct to command Edward to tell him everything. Where was he going, why did he come home so bruised and beaten and why, why wouldn't he trust Kenshin enough to confide in him? Edward did not do things needlessly. Instead, Kenshin steadied himself. “I want proof that you're mine, Ed. Will you do what I ask?”
There was a question in there, somewhere, that Kenshin did not know how to ask and yet Edward could still answer. Fear, whatever it was that was causing this reaction in Edward was pushed aside by his ever-present curiosity. He tilted his head – more comfortable with looking up at Kenshin instead of level – and licked his lips before answering. “Yes,” he said finally. Kenshin touched his hair, touched his face, and then tilted his head to the proper angle so that Kenshin could kiss him.
Lip and tongue and teeth and tasting so much of Edward. Kenshin breathed it in, how could he ever think that he would be able to give this up? It did not matter what Edward got into, all that mattered was that he belonged, body and soul, to Kenshin. Edward's automail hand gripped the back of his neck, tangled in his ponytail and Kenshin wrenched his head one way as Edward's scrabbling fingers found the tie that kept his ponytail tied back. With one swift motion, Edward freed Kenshin's hair.
Kenshin flattened his palm on the door beside Edward's head as his hair fell loose to his lower back. He broke away from Edward's mouth, greedy for his own, and smiled despite himself. “If you trust me,” he said, his voice soft as his nose brushed Edward's. “I want you on that couch.”
Edward's expression flickered through from concerned to confused, but Kenshin did not remain in his personal space, reluctantly stepping away. It was several large steps and Edward heaved a sigh, throwing himself down on the same couch Kenshin had spent half the night on. “So, what,” his tone returning to that of the Edward he knew so well, brash and confident and just the slightest bit reckless. “What are you going to do?”
He lounged like a cat, sprawling open and vulnerable, arms hooked over the low back of the sofa and legs spread like there magnets in each knee. It was remarkable, this chimera of animal traits that was Edward Elric. “It's not what I am going to do,” Kenshin said thoughtfully, his eyes on Edward's body. “It is what you are going to do.”
Edward's eyes tracked him across the room, neck craning as Kenshin walked behind the couch entirely. “Uh-uh,” Kenshin said. “Eyes forward."
There was a moment's hesitation in Edward, but then he shifted on the couch and looked obediently toward the closed door. “You are so weird, Himura.”
Kenshin circled behind Edward, moving to stand behind the couch. It was an old, beaten-up thing – lumpy and strangely comfortable despite that. There had been many a lazy day that Kenshin would lay sprawled out on it, napping or reading a book while Edward worked diligently on his research at the desk behind them. Edward held still, the only movement was the rise and fall of his chest. “So, Edward,” Kenshin said. “Tell me, what would you like me to do to you?”
Without fail, the flush always started at his ears. For as vulgar as Edward could be, he always hesitated when called out to use it. Edward sputtered and Kenshin leaned over the back of the couch. “Tell me,” he murmured. “How you want me to touch you.”
Edward licked his lips and Kenshin could see the rise and fall of his throat as he swallowed. “Or,” Kenshin said, before Edward could work up the courage to describe the way he wanted Kenshin's hands on his body. “You could show me.”
The silence that stretched between those words seemed almost like a lifetime. Edward's hands gripped the seat cushions and for a long, terrifying moment Kenshin was afraid that Edward would not do it, that somehow he had scared him into inaction. Kenshin leaned forward again, hands gripping the hard back of the couch and his breath hot on the side of Edward's neck. “Ed. Touch yourself.”
Edward's flesh hand hesitated, and then strayed toward his groin, the crotch of his jeans not tight enough to give anything away just yet. He pressed his hand down over the slight bulge in his pants, and Kenshin grinned as Edward exhaled slowly.
It was a bit intoxicating, watching as Edward rubbed his hand slowly over himself, cupping through the tough denim. Even now, outside of his clothes he did not use his automail hand, it was tucked safely away, holding tight to the couch cushion. Kenshin leaned forward just a little, and barely breathed the words into Edward's ear. “Just the outside, nothing more? I'm disappointed.”
Edward tilted his head back, eyes closed and face relaxed. “It's called foreplay, you fucking idiot,” he groaned as he slipped his hand down the front of his jeans. One gold eye snapped open, staring sharply at Kenshin. “Unless you want to get on your knees for me, you're not dictating this.”
Kenshin drew his hand through Edward's hair, before settling it on his jaw, keeping Edward's head turned to look at him. “Ed,” he said huskily. “You only need ask.” He leaned forward and kissed him, just as Edward tensed slightly. Kenshin ignored that, concentrating on kissing him, one hand tight on his chin and the other braced on the back of the couch. His taste and scent was so overwhelming that Kenshin almost lost himself in it – when they parted, they both were panting, and Kenshin felt the flush on Edward's face mirrored his own.
Somehow, as distracting as Kenshin was being, Edward had managed to extricate himself from his pants and boxers. His naked cock lay in his left hand, fluid leaking from the tip. Kenshin stared down at it hungrily, licking his already-bruised lips, before glancing to Edward's face to see that Edward was watching him closely.
The bruise on his face had darkened further. It was on his right temple, near the hairline. Kenshin gently touched Edward's face again, and leaned in close as Edward's eyes slid closed, anticipating the kiss. Instead, Kenshin breathed against Edward's mouth - “Who gave you permission to stop?”
Edward panted, his eyes fixed not in front of him, but on the ceiling above. He could sense Kenshin at his back, watching, as he stroked his hand up and down his shaft, but he could not look back at him. He was afraid, almost every time that he looked at Kenshin, that he would give it all away.
He pinched the head of his penis between his thumb and forefinger, and hissed out a breath between his teeth. Warmth was building at the base of his spine, he could feel the electricity in his own touch, and the heavy cool weight of his automail hand resting on his belly did little to stifle the sensation. He would do anything Kenshin asked of him, anything in a heartbeat. But he could not tell him, he could not explain the fear that bit at the back of his throat that Kenshin would find out, that he would have to explain-
It was never supposed to get this complicated, but these sort of things rarely went smoothly. He had been approached by people who knew – they knew about Kenshin. They knew who he was, and how he wasn't supposed to be here, and how technically clones were the property of the government and they were one phone call away from bringing everything he had to a crashing, burning end.
Edward choked, closed his eyes and tilted his head away as he dug his automail fingers into his stomach. He would fight them at every turn, no matter what. He could not bring Kenshin into this, Kenshin would try to stop him, Kenshin would call on that group of bastards who were trying to get him to run assassinations again. Edward would never forgive himself if he let Kenshin get involved with those who wanted to use him as a tool to further their machinations. He could handle this, he would handle this, and until then ….
… until then, he would just have to let Kenshin think the worst of him.
Kenshin's fingers on his face made him open his eyes again. He looked over, and the look that Kenshin gave him made his resolve coil tighter in his gut. It was lust and love and everything he never thought he would have, that he would be allowed to have and damn it, he would protect Kenshin with his life if he had to. He had pulled him out of the darkness, had showed him that this world was real, this world was worth it too, and when Kenshin ran his fingers along Edward's jaw, his thumb resting on his lips Edward's entire body ached with want.
“Kenshin,” Edward said, and Kenshin moved, straightening. His hair was loose, Edward himself had freed it, it fell over his shoulders in scarlet waves as he leaned forward, hands braced on the back of the couch on either side of Edward's head. The look on his face was so intense, the flush dark across his nose as he watched Edward, and it made Edward feel warm, wanted and possessed by those violet eyes.
Kenshin loved him.
Edward licked his lips and left his mouth open, just a little. A bit of temptation, his breath coming in small pants. He had stopped being aware of his hand, it continued to move without conscious command as he stared up at Kenshin. It was strange, how disconnected he could get, he almost did not recognize it as his own voice when he heard the word whispered like a prayer.
Please.
Please, just – let me, let me have this. Let me protect you, let me have you, let me hold you and worship you because I don't know how long I'll be here to do this, I can't know, I don't know. Please don't let me go, I don't want to do this without you, I can't do this without you, please....
And yet somehow he swallows them all, he keeps the words from burbling to the surface like so much flotsam, all save that one word, a single syllable's vibrant story.
Kenshin's mouth on his is hot, supple and demanding, tongue and lips and teeth; even in this strange configuration, upside-down and backwards. Edward groaned against him, his entire body strung tight with want and need. He cannot forget to be gentle with his right hand, reaching up to Kenshin's head and holding him there close. Their mouths sharing the same breath even as his left hand tightens around the base of his cock. He couldn't hold back his orgasm if he wanted to, the waves rolling through him as his hips jerk once. He held on to Kenshin like he was drowning, and maybe he was, because he was left gasping and shaken once the orgasm receded leaving him spent, stripes of come cooling on his naked belly.
Edward licked his lips slowly. All of the tension had run out of him like water, he sank back into the couch, relaxed. Everything, all the stress and concern, they all seemed so far away in this moment that he could not be bothered to dwell on them. Kenshin lifted his head slightly, his eyes checking Edward's, and Edward smiled for him.
“Now,” Kenshin said softly. “That's not really fair, don't you think?”
It did not take much encouragement to raise Edward to his knees, elbows braced on the back of the couch. His jeans had fallen down around his thighs, entangling his legs and exposing just a hint of the scarring on his left leg. Kenshin's attention was not on Edward's legs, as fine as they were – he cupped the back of Edward's head, fingers tangling in his dirty blond hair as Edward swallowed him down.
Edward's eyes were closed, which was quite a shame. He looked so gracefully debauched, the flush dark across his nose and bands sticking to his forehead with sweat. His mouth was completely full, his cheeks all hollowed out. Edward moved had his hands on Kenshin's thighs, bracing him there, the fingers of his automail hand bunched in the denim of Kenshin's favorite pair of off-white jeans. He was concentrated the most on the task at hand, deep-throating Kenshin in long, slow movements, swallowing him down until he could take no more, and then withdrawing. It was sensuous and frustrating at the same time, because all Kenshin wanted to do at this time was hold Edward's head still and fuck his mouth.
But damn, Edward was good at this. He opened his eyes slowly, looking up at Kenshin, never pausing in his movement. Kenshin licked his own lips, torn between that desire to hold Edward down and fuck him screaming into the couch, and wanting to just continue this – Edward's mouth was so good, hot and warm, and his tongue, hell – the things he had learned to do with his tongue-
“Ed,” Kenshin said, sliding his hand around the back of Edward's skull. He had not taken his eyes from Kenshin, and Kenshin swallowed hard, the words burning in his throat. How could this brat have done this to him? “Ed, I need to-”
Edward opened his mouth and let Kenshin slide out. He moved his jaw around a moment, panting through his mouth like a dog. “Do it,” Edward rasped, and Kenshin pressed the head of his cock against Edward's lips. He opened his mouth obediently, his hands tight on Kenshin's legs. Kenshin tried his hardest to be careful, and Edward was mindful of his teeth, but it was so easy to get carried away. Edward did not give any indications of distress as Kenshin fucked into his mouth, over and over, but not going quite as deep as he probably could have. Edward clung to him, eyes closed, nostrils flaring with every quick breath, completely drowning in Kenshin's taste and scent.
And then, just like that, it was over. Kenshin curled over him, hands tight on Edward's head to hold him still as he came. Edward made a muffled noise, perhaps a groan, as Kenshin finally released him, sliding out of Edward's slack jaw. They were both breathing hard, Edward unsteadily wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, smearing some of Kenshin's seed that had leaked from his lips. Kenshin leaned forward, somehow maintaining his balance, and tilted Edward's head up to him. Their eyes met, heavy and hooded, and Edward put his right hand on Kenshin's wrist. “Don't keep secrets from me,” Kenshin said softly, his mouth almost touching Edward's.
Edward looked away.
Kenshin bit his bottom lip hard. He tilted his head in to Edward's, his forehead resting on Edward's temple. Edward released Kenshin's wrist and looped his arms over Kenshin's shoulders, the cool-warm dichotomy of his limbs strangely comforting. “Stop asking me,” Edward's voice was pleading. “Please, Kenshin, if I could tell you-”
“If you're in trouble-”
“No, no-” Edward's breathy exhale was a shaky laugh. “Just … why won't you trust me?”
Kenshin grew silent as the words sank in. That was the crux of the matter, wasn't it – trust. He could trust Edward with so many things, delicate things, physical things – his life, even – and he could ask Edward to trust him without batting an eyelash. But the same could not be said for him, could it? “Ed...”
“I love you,” Edward's voice was very clear. He moved his head, and that forced Kenshin to lift his, and he found himself looking straight into Edward's eyes.
“I-” Kenshin started to say, but Edward shook his head.
“No,” he said. “Let me finish.”
It was hard. It has always been hard, Edward was shit with emotions and how to understand them, never mind expressing them to the people he cared about. He looked Kenshin in the eye and felt the words sticking hard in his throat.
It was not that they weren't working out – hell, Edward could not live without Kenshin at this point, he knew – but if Kenshin couldn't trust him, if Kenshin couldn’t understand that no, Edward was not going to be able to share everything with him, that was in his very nature – maybe they did need some time apart. They had had a fight once before, an utterly horrible one, and Edward had actually left. Those three weeks had been arguably the worst time of his life so far – or at least how it felt at the time.
“I love you,” Edward said again, as if those words would magically fix everything. Maybe they could, if he repeated them enough. “I love you so much, I don't think even I understand it. The depth of it. Because if I wasn't so in love with you right now I would have probably broken your nose.”
Kenshin's expression was so serious, but a bit of a grin tried to sneak through. “Hasn't stopped you before.”
“Kenshin,” Edward said, and his name had power. Kenshin's eyes darted back to Edward's. “Trust in me, please. Please. I'm not a child, I'll know when I'm in over my head, but if I can take care of this without your involvement – I need to take care of this without your involvement.”
Edward wanted to sigh, Kenshin's expression still had not changed. He remembered, not long after he had been released from the hospital and Kenshin had to be shooed off to go grocery shopping since he would not let Edward out of his line of sight. As soon as he was gone, Kennichi and Yuukito had sat Edward down and explained in complete detail what had happened. There were blanks in his memory that Edward did not want to have filled, and if he could forget he gladly would in a heartbeat.
Yuukito – as much as he hated the man, Kennichi's white-haired clone was not prone to exaggeration. They were both convinced that Kenshin had killed the man who hurt Edward, and no one was sure how to approach it. Even if things had gone back to normal on the surface, there was a silent tension there, and Edward – Edward knew to be careful. He wondered if anyone else had even thought to notice this new responsibility of Edward's. He had to stay safe, he had to, because if he got hurt again and Kenshin killed anyone and he knew about it; Edward would never, never be able to live with himself after.
Kenshin stroked his fingers down the side of Edward's face. “I don't want to admit it,” he said quietly. “But I'm scared.”
“Scared?” Edward repeated.
“Terrified,” Kenshin said. “I don't want to lose you. I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, I've seen too many people I love get hurt.” His voice actually trembled, and Edward's heart hurt. “I can't bear it, anymore.”
“I'm not going anywhere, I promise,” Edward said, his voice solid and strong. “I'm not, I can take care of myself, I'm fine.”
Kenshin swallowed hard and wrapped his arms tight around Edward's shoulders. “Don't make promises you know you can't keep, Ed.”
They had done this before, sleeping on the couch together, but Kenshin really could not remember why they ever thought it was a good idea. There wasn't a lot of room, and Edward weighed a lot more than he looked – benefits of being composed half of metal, presumably. They shuffled together, a tangled pile of limbs and hair, and almost as quickly as Edward laid his head on Kenshin's shoulder he was out like a light. He must have been completely exhausted, and the sex didn't help matters. Kenshin smiled, amused, and freed the hair Edward had unintentionally trapped between them.
There was no doubting in Edward's loyalty. He felt foolish for even carrying the thought – they lived in a house with men who may as well have been Edward's former lover, and his eyes had not strayed once. If anything, it was Kenshin who had that particular problem, having lascivious thoughts of a blond pile including Edward and at least one of his shadows. No, he would have to do what Edward doubted in, and just trust him. After all, Edward had more than earned that trust a hundred times over.
Still, he could not sleep. This worry nagged at him, they had all but stopped running mission for Sector 0; Kenshin had laid down the law with those bastards and, since they still had Yuukito's full cooperation, they had left the 'Sou well enough alone. He did not want to go to them for help, or resources … mostly because he would not put it past Hubb to try to recruit Edward again. Edward did not like the military, did not like shadowbox organizations like Sector 0 but if he thought it would protect someone he would do It in a heartbeat....
Oh. The realization, like a ton of bricks.
Edward was protecting him.
Kenshin swallowed, licked his lips, and stared at the ceiling. The enormity of it all – whatever Edward was keeping from him, coming home bruised and battered and skittish – he was protecting Kenshin doing it. The tightness in his chest expanded somewhat, and he wrapped his arms tighter around the slumbering body that lay mostly atop him.
“I love you,” he murmured, pressing his lips to the crown of messy blond hair that lay on his shoulder. “I'm not used to being the one protected, you'll have to forgive me that, Ed.”
He could almost sense the smile on Edward's face as he shifted his body weight slightly, but he did not raise his head. “Dumbass,” Edward said sleepily. “Get used to it.” Edward yawned on the last word, and was asleep again in a heartbeat. Kenshin laid his head back against the armrest and closed his own eyes.
Maybe it wasn't the answer that he was looking for … but it would suffice all the same.
